SURVIVAL’S DISGUISE

In this week’s INSIGHTS for Healing by Design, I want to shake things up for you a little bit to help you get out of survival mode and into growth mode. READY? Let’s go…

SURVIVAL IS OFTEN DISGUISED AS KINDNESS. 

Yup, I said it. Being kind was often a path to feeling safe for most of my life and I’d bet, for you too. This is a nuanced concept, so let’s unpack it.

Perhaps like me, you were taught to keep the peace by staying quiet.

To put everyone else’s needs before yours and smile doing it, even if you were falling apart on the inside.

To behave pleasantly, agreeably, even when it costs you pieces of yourself.

To be kind. 

These things were likely taught in the spirit of helping you.  But they unintentionally hurt you because those ideals weren’t co-taught with healthy boundary-setting. The word kind doesn’t have to be interpreted this way.

Unfortunately, our sense of worth is tightly tied to how well we take care of others. And that means usually our needs can wait, that boundaries are selfish, and that being “too much” will drive people away.

BUT HERE’S THE TRUTH FOR EVERY KIND GAL OUT THERE ⤵️

Chronic people-pleasing doesn’t just chip away at your spirit 

- it eventually wears down your body.

I lived this. I was trained to be a people-pleaser, my friend. My spirit was beaten into submission (without ill intent, I must add) and my body broke down. 

But in my 40’s, I taught myself how to listen to my body which led to becoming a reformed people-pleaser. So I KNOW you can be one too if you want!

Throughout our lives, the conditioned habit of abandoning yourself to serve others becomes a form of self-harm that is unfortunately masked as being kind.

AND YOUR BEAUTIFUL NERVOUS SYSTEM?

Well, it remembers every single moment you swallowed your personal truth in order to keep someone else comfortable.

In particular, your parasympathetic nervous system is part of your innate survival system -

FIGHT, FLIGHT & FREEZE. 

But, there is a 4th aspect that few discuss much called FAWNING. 

Fawning is what a newborn deer does when a predator approaches. She hides in the bushes, being very quiet and still, with the aim to not be seen, heard and hurt. 

Fawning for you then, like for a baby deer, is your nervous system’s attempt to keep you feeling safe by fading into the background, being very likeable, agreeable, and easy to be around because others hardly know you’re there.

FAWNING IS SURVIVAL DISGUISED AS KINDNESS

You might have been taught:

“Don’t make waves”

“Put their needs first”

“Be nice - no matter how you feel”

“Keep the peace at any price”

When fawning becomes your default, it trains your body to override your needs and to play small.

You become conditioned to abandon your inner truth in order to stay connected, accepted, or simply out of harm’s way so that you can more easily survive society’s complexity. And while it might have helped you survive your childhood, and difficult relationships, or chaotic environments... it comes at great cost to achieving personal dreams and to the health of your precious body.

Over-giving to others isn’t just draining on your energy - it’s inflammatory to every aspect of your body – your brain, adrenals, diaphragm, muscles, heart, thyroid, and more suffer.

Chronic self-abandonment and chronic over-giving, as habits, create a cascade of physical symptoms that your body will try to get your attention with. 

SIGNS & SYMPTOMS OF CHRONIC FAWNING

HORMONAL CHAOS: When you're constantly "on" for others, your stress hormones (like cortisol and adrenaline from your adrenal glands) stay frequently elevated, triggering your nervous system, throwing off many other hormones, such as estrogen, progesterone, and thyroid hormones, and causing cells to become resistant to hormonal actions.

DIGESTIVE DISTRESS: I expect you’ve experienced gut issues that have flared up around periods of emotional distress. That’s not a coincidence. Your vagus nerve - basically your gut-brain highway that travels from your brain and surrounds your gut - suffers significantly when your nervous system is stuck in the people-pleasing mode for so long. And newsflash - what happens in the gut does NOT stay in the gut! Damage there begets damage elsewhere.

CHRONIC TIREDNESS: Being kind and over-giving all the time is EXHAUSTING, isn’t it? And it almost ALWAYS means silencing your personal truth, dear one. Why the heck are you carrying everyone else’s emotional weight? They need to exercise their own “emotional muscles” to learn to carry that crap, sister! Then you can have space to allow your body to finally recover and as a celebratory side effect, become more capable of healthier service to others!

This behavior - kindness without healthy boundaries - is life-long UNLESS you intervene. But, if left unchecked, your body begins to say “ I can’t keep doing this” and breaks down.

CUE BURNOUT ⤵️

• The mystery symptoms. 

• The hair loss. 

• The stubborn weight gain. 

• The autoimmune flares. 

• The sleepless nights.

• The sense that something deeper is off.

Listen, darlin, you can’t think yourself out of burnout, though a change in mindset is essential for recovery. 

Getting out of this conditioned funk requires CONSCIOUS nervous system repair - trauma healing - learning to feel safe in your body without performing to get love or appreciation from others or as a way to avoid further trauma.

TWO STEPS TO A NEW WAY OF BEING TRULY KIND (to yourself & others)

1. BECOME FULLY AWARE

With some expert guidance (cause girlfriend, if you could have done it on your own, you would have already…), you can figure out your relationship patterns, especially people-pleasing, fawning and codependency – that keeps your health, emotions, and nervous system hostage to others’ wants and needs. Once you get this figured out, move on to the second step, where the life changing work begins.

2. TAKE LOTS OF ACTION.

This is the process of rewriting and retraining old conditioned beliefs which will lead you to getting unstuck from the old ties tethering you to outdated weak boundaries. This work gets you the honest, assertive life that serves you and everyone else you care about. It also will help you develop true kindness. The type of kindness that doesn’t drain you so much and is given out of genuine desire only, not because it’s how you were taught to behave. It’s an honest kindness based on solid boundaries that protect you AND others.

💯Your worth is not tied to how easy you are to be around.

💯You don’t have to earn rest.

💯You don’t have to smile through resentment.

💯You don’t have to ignore your needs to feel safe.

💯No can become your favorite word.

Since you’ve read this far, please see this as my heartfelt invitation to you to stop performing so that you can begin healing.

Because saying NO to outdated beliefs and YES to a new way to see yourself will lead to a new experience of your world – a more authentic one that helps you get the most out of it all while still being a good person.

It will never ever mean NOT helping others and being of service 💞 

But, crafting healthier boundaries as you adult in the world will have you serve out of love instead of expectation or a desire for approval. 

Those new boundaries will protect your energy so you can give from an ever filling cup instead of running on fumes and shutting your body down prematurely. 

New boundaries will also benefit those who were used to you fawning – they’ll grow too as you change, and your relationships, though expanding and changing (with some growing pains, I’ll admit), will be stronger for it.

I was a chronic people-pleaser and it nearly destroyed me. 

Now I have settled on some deeply conscious new and evolving boundaries that serve not only others but serve my best interests as well. And my body has been thanking me ever since 💝 I still slip sometimes into old patterns, but I’m always moving forward and improving. Remember, perfection is an illusion. Be an “ENOUGHIST” - give your 100% at every moment based on your capacity at that time. It’s enough.

Do you need help figuring this out? If you do, please connect with someone to help get you started. It could be me or another therapist you appreciate for their honesty and support. Maybe you’d love to become part of a community of women rocking this internal work, in my private women’s Facebook group, The EASY YOUniversity! 

But don’t wait to ask for help. 

Life is calling for you to explore the heck out of it and you can’t do that if your cup is always emptying too quickly. 

Defend your developing boundaries and you’ll become the best type of KIND – the type that is from a place of sincerity and joy and personal growth. And you’ll be the inspiration for others to do the same.

Hugs, 

Dr. Krista xx

DrAc, IFMCP

CHECK OUT HOW TO WORK 1:1 WITH ME (Acupuncture, Consultations)

CHECK OUT MY COURSES & FREE STUFF